I am nevermore
by Kumori Kasei
Summary: Yes, another "Sniper Wolf's death" fic. This is a songpoetryfic, propably some of my best works yet. Yes, I am a lousy author. PLEASE, R&R!


**Disclaimer:** Any content with Metal Gear in this fic does not belong to me. The poem's title is "A struggle to death", but I don't know who made it. 

--

With the pain numbing my thoughts, I watched Snake, his sniper-rifle still slung over his shoulder. He stood there for a second or so, just watching me lie there. I knew that I must've looked dreadful; blood in my hair and face, acne scars covering the parts of my body that could be seen. I coughed. Blood splattered all over my white FOXHOUND uniform, as well as the snow. I knew what that meant. I remembered once, were one of the guys from my team by accident got injured in a training exerzise, lungshot. He died. There was no way out for him...I saw Yezdan had caught his lifesource... But to my surprise, the thought of dying didn't scare me the least. I chuckled a bit, right before Snake slowly began to near me. I searched his face with my blurry vision. I wanted to see it: Regret. But I couldn't see one single expression. Of course. He was trained not to feel, to think about the orders that were given to him, just like me. Cold as the kurdish winter...his heart...I closed my eyes as I remembered some time back, in Iraq. How could a country so proud and beautiful, suddenly become a war roamed place of pure hell?

--

_Within my mind is a mass of nothingness_

_and everything within falls to the abyss_

_beneath whose depths none can see, feel, or hear_

_all emcompassing of what I hold true and near_

_What in me I cannot name_

_Is it conscious or 'tis sane?_

_from the truth I can derive_

_throughout my life there i must strife_

_to be contrasted with the external_

_I must avoid the forbidden efernal_

_When I lose my strength and power_

_I will go on searching and scour_

_--_

When he knealed beside me, I felt a little hope light itself deep inside me. Maybe I just had the time, to tell. I could not just let my story die alongside with me, I wanted it to be heard, understood, and passed on. I wanted someone to feel the words, and maybe some day regret what they did to me.

"I-I..." I stuttered hoarsely. God, my voice was so rough and woarn up...would he care to listen?

He sat a little closer, making himself more comfort by my side, like a little child who was about to hear a farytale. But this, this was my life. Not the least close to a farytale, I thought...

"...Waited, for this moment...I am a sniper. Waiting is my job..." I paused, taking my time to drag the precious air down my destroyed lungs. It took a moment for me to continue. I needed to find the words, but they came out of my heart, my mind, without I even thought about it.

"Never moving a muscle" This time, I couldn't hold back the outburst. I coughed fiercely, and expected Snake to wince by the sight. Still, his face remained blank, but when he saw the blood, his brows furrowed. I explained.

"I am lungshot. Y-you cannot save me..." I heard how pathetic my own voice was. The pains were undescribeable, all that I wanted...freedom. The freedom in life I could not be given, I wanted it now. In death.

--

_I cannot lose my internal balance_

_From whence my external's enhanced_

_My soul is filled with scars of hate_

_As the cosmos quarrel and debate_

_No longer can it shield me from sorrow_

_To everyday I die and wake up tommorow_

_The endless days go warped and weary_

_The constant earth moving interplanetary_

_I see the dark and feel the light_

_As I spend endless hours dreaming in nights_

_The heat is cold and the day but short_

_I cannot see eternity thus must abort_

_The twisted roads the unseen paths_

_How I wish I could see the psycho-path_

_The restraints and limits keep us at bay_

_Once released in freedom we shall go astray_

_--_

"Please." I begged. I made a move with my legs, not quickly, but Snake grabbed his SOCOM anyway. I almost cried. Couldn't that Kerr see that I was dying? Did he not care about me-the least?! "Set me free..." I managed to whisper. I closed my eyes, and waited paitientally for the bullet to crack my skull. Nothing happened. I opened my eyes again, and looked him over. This was my chance.

"I am a kurd." I informed him. Even not now, I wasn't ashamed to tell about my nationality. I closed my eyes again, to be alone for a second with my own memories. In the distant, I heard the beautiful voices of my lêzim. The howled, like they were calling for me. "I have always dreamed of a peaceful place like this..."

"A kurd?" I heard him question. I nodded silently. "So thats why you're called Wolf..."

You know a lot, I thought. Not many people were aware, that the Turkish word for "wolf" were "kurd" or "kurt".

He waited for me to answer, and I moved my legs again, the pain in them were even worse than the pain in my lungs. This time, he didn't notice. Or, he had realized I weren't able to do combat. "I was born on a battlefield. Raised, on a battlefield. gunfires, sirens and screams..." I spat out the words: "Gunfires" and "sirenes". Relax Arai, I commanded myself. It's many...many years ago...

--

_I will find my freedom then find my soul_

_For who cannot is consumed within the whole_

_I cannot speak of ignorance_

_I cannot feel the hate_

_I am afraid of the desease_

_For my insanity's sake_

_I cannot break the silence_

_I cannot seek the sound_

_For what I may find_

_May keep me abound_

_Can we all be individual?_

_A whole that is invicible_

_Can we all be one?_

_A rare second to none..._

--

"They...were my lullabies...." Lullabies...I thought inside myself. What a stupid word to use. You're a FOXHOUND agent now Arai, fer crying out loud! But Snake didn't look like he thought so. Actually, it looked like...he understood. No...he had been so god damned lucky, to grow up among normal people, a normal city, and even a school...Me? I had my worn out clothes, my little sis who died later and just enough food to survive through the day. That was what it had all been about, surviving today, not tommorow. The moment that was, not the time to come.

--

_I now sense my destruction_

_Yet I resist its insurrection_

_My surface fades and my depths groan_

_My body in rupture of diseases unknown_

_Can I not stop this pestilent disease?_

_Of whose origin will not be appeased_

_--_

"Hunted like dogs, day after day...Driven from our ragged shelters...That...was my life." I turned my head, and even that simple little movement made my whole body ache-but I didn't care. Recalling the past I was supposed to forget, was really the most painful..."Each morning, I'd wake wake up..." I saw it, I really saw it now, inside, inside my head...their faces...I felt the nausea twist around in my body, and I barely resisted the urge to throw the cotents of my stomach up. "And find a few more of my family and friends dead beside me." Don't give up, don't give up...I had to repeat those words inside myself, or else I could not find the courage to tell him...what shouldn't have been. Still...I didn't have a single clue where my words appeared from. I just let them flow...and told them. Like a waterfall...

--

_Death shrouds me in darkness_

_I now smell the sad rankness_

_I hope to live_

_yet hope wants to die_

_I shall fade with time_

_As time passed by_

_Now I lay powerless_

_To time's relentlessness_

_I defy time for its existence_

_yet without time there can be no resistance_

_--_

"I'd stare at the morning sun...And pray to make it through the day. The governments of the world turned a blind eye to our misery..." I scowled. I should never forget the way Saddam treated us, but to know that we were actually expandable...that the world had no need for us, whatsoever...that did it. It made me hate so badly, that it turned back on me, and killed me.

"But then...He appeared..." I smiled, and saw how Snake looked surprised, perhaps he didn't think anyone could smile in a sitiuation like mine. "My hero...Saladin." I named Big Boss after the muslim fighter, who saved my people from the horrible crusaders...Many people had laughed, and thought that it was somewhat hilarous. Exept for Big Boss. He fully accepted it. "He took me away from all that..."

--

_Help me greater being to conquer this friend_

_Help me survive and may one day I be supreme_

_For a favor_

_Of one I can savor_

_I shall repay_

_With my soul at bay_

_Lead me down the time-hungry path_

_And let me not feel time's wrath_

_I shall give thee my soul_

_But please let me keep the whole_

_My body is dead and my mind is in sleep_

_Of all things I've gathered none I can keep_

_I cannot endure the chains of gravity_

_That in time shall deplete my longevity_

_My days turn to nights_

_My glorious sight no longer bright_

_I've taken the grand stand_

_Now I hold the truth within my hands_

_--_

"You mean Big Boss?" Snake's voice treambled with pure veneration. So, he still had plenty of respect for the fater that he killed...What a fool Snake were. I would've done anything to have a father like that, well, even have a father. I did not answer, he could figure it out himself. I had more things of more importance to tell.

"I became a sniper..." Snake's eyes shot a look at my rifle, but I catched his stare again. "Hidden...watching everything, through a rifle's scope...Now I could see war...Not from the inside. But from the outside...As an observer." That was the truth. Seeing dangerous things at a safe distance were much more appealing to me, so being a sniper were the perfect thing for me to do. "I watched...the brutality..."

Slaughter. Murder. The endless crimes of humanity, done during war, so that they could get away with their killing.

"...The stupidity, of mankind through the scope of my rifle...I joined this group of revelutionaries..." I winced. I could not let the hate take such a great deal of my mind. Hate only made the whole thing a lot more worse, but to hate and to tell...that was the only thing left I could do. How much time were left now? Minutes? Seconds? I knew that I could die, anytime...Even right now. "...To take my revenge on the world..."

Then, I froze. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. No, it wasn't death, it was even worse; I had finally realized my huge mistake. "...But..." I uttered softly. Warm drops slowly trickled down my cheek...I was crying. For the first time in 10 years. "I have shamed myself and my people. I am no longer the wolf I was born to be..." I closed my eyes, and painfully declaired: "Now I'm nothing more...than a dog."

--

_As I stumble into eternal darkness_

_All that remains is infinite nothingness_

_My flesh quivers and my soul weeps_

_As I plunge into the nebulas deep_

_My memories fooled! Oh how they're lost_

_Yet they can be found but at what cost?_

_Through life I struggle through death I fight_

_I dueled with Lucifer though blind be my sight_

_Though heaven's rays do illuminate_

_None can my eyes and soul consummate_

--

Snake smiled at me, softly. Adem, the guy could smile! Then, he moved a little closer to me. I was surprised, when I found his hand gently brush away my tears. me? The legend wich I had been told was cold-hearted and gave a damn about other people? It couldn't..possibly...Then he shook his head, and started to speak, slowly so that I could get each of the words that he spoke.

"Wolves are noble animals. They're not like dogs."

What did he mean with that? It was true, but what were his point? I opened my mouth to answer him so, but was interrupted.

"In Yupek, the word for wolf is: "Kegluneq", and the aleuts revere them as honorable cousins."

Honorable cousins. I see...

"They call mercenaries like us: "Dogs of war"." He paused. "It's true. We're all for some price or another." Then he started to whisper.

"But you..." I looked at him, and hoped that I looked like I understood. "You're different."

Different? I thought. Different in what way? That he mean I'm a merciless killer...or that I was raised among war and bitterness? Both?

"...Untamed..."

Like a wolf, I thought, smiling of that I could think something that silly.

"...Solitary..."

I wasn't sure anymore...I thought that Snake would be furious at me for shooting Meryl...But...that way he told me that he, Liquid and all the others were just people who did killing as a purpose for earning money, and I did it because of my family...and the guilt...It was no trick.

"You're no dog. _You're a wolf."_

_--_

_I was born with death_

_I've lived with his scathe_

_The time has come to take my existence_

_I struggled to flee yet useless was resistance_

_--_

He reminded me so much...of...

"Who are you?" I asked him softly. "Are you Saladin?"

Then he became more serious. "Wolf. You spared Meryl's life."

Yes. I thought. Meryl, that girl. I wasn't much for admitting it, but I wouldn't have killed her no metter what. Inside her, I saw...a piece. Of myself. She fought with her life as a risk, because of her father. And I, because of my family. I tried to tell him, but my voice didn't obey me fully. It was a sign. My body weren't going to last much longer...

"She-she was never my real target. I-I don't kill for sport."

He nodded. Xêr sermiyan, it felt so god to have said that. Now, I hoped that he didn't hate me anymore...

"Rest easy." He said, alomst whispered. "You'll die as the proud wolf you are."

Wait, I thought. There was still one more thing left.

"I finally understand. I wasn't waiting to kill people...I was waiting..." I closed my eyes, then let them shut open again. He looked at me, with his emerald eyes almost piercing my soul. My heart. "...For someone to kill me. A man like you....You're a hero."

Just like your father, I thought. But out loud, I only smiled. That was enough for him to understand, I guessed.

"Please..." I begged once more. "Set me free..."

Snake arose from the snow, wich had melted at the spot where he had sat. He unholstered the SOCOM and I looked into the steel as he trained the handgun at my forehead....

This...

was the end...

--

_I am bound with chains and lost all my sense_

_I dared defiance yet nothing yielded from persistence_

_I spoke soundless noise and repeated a chant_

_"I am not brave, I can't, I can't, I can't..."_

_--_

The riflewas therewith me, by my side. I looked at both Hal and Snake, as I closed my eyes. The end. I was going to leave.

Finally.

"Everybody's here now..." I looked at Snake. "Okay hero. Set me free."

Snake once more pointed his gun at me. Then, I looked into green eyes again, as so many times before. Then;

I saw it.

He was like me.

Lost.

In this world.

Fighting against the wind.

Alone.

I was about to tell him. But I didn't.

I was sure that he already knew.

--

_I hear nothing_

_I see nothing_

_And I am nevermore_

_--_


End file.
